Since I got my first master’s degree in community development back in 2005, I’ve worked in and studied change management - not in the well-paid world of business consulting or private sector executive coaching, but in the sectors of community, public sector, public policy and education. Basically all the places that have become easy to write off and ignore by power structures and decision-makers in our increasing oligarchic society.

Theories of systemic and individual change abound and some are well studied with scientific evidence behind them. The majority aren’t. Right now, we are being sold as many versions of them change theory as there are influencer and products online. It’s that time of year. When I worked in Ireland, the popular model of social change was Asset-Based Community Development. It is a strength-based approach to building resilient communities (in a variety of contexts but often place) in which the assets of the stakeholders (residents) are the driving force for goals, investment, policies and services. Like many social change models and efforts, it’s hard to measure its effectiveness (and justify funding it).

The organization I’m working for now uses the Water of Systems Change model which is evidence-based to attempt to organize and evaluate our systems change work. What this means in practice is still cloudy.

Because I lobby for policy and legal change, and the public funds to implement effective public policy to feed kids, I focus on the structural or explicit or extrinsic change. Theories for how you achieve this are also varied, but like all social change theories on a system level you need to change the awareness, will, and action of the public, influencers (not that kind), and decision makers.

I, like many people working on social change, operated on a false assumption that people want the conditions of others to improve. Of course everyone claims that children shouldn’t be hungry or homeless, but the evidence is that the public, influencers, and decision makers aren’t willing to change their behavior to protect children on a societal level. Even on a family and individual level, children’s health and well-being is secondary to the convenience of adults.

I no longer assume people want policy to change and instead assume the opposite and focus on what will strategically influence key targets and the wider public when necessary. It's less stressful. Listening to anti-hunter advocates remains shocked by the USDA attack on SNAP is depressing and tiresome though.

For much of my life I ignored change theory on a personal level. This year I’ve learned a lot about myself and about others that has brought the beginning of real clarity. With this clarity is the realization (again) that all politics is personal and all of our family life is also political and we can’t escape it so we better accept it.

The family system drives all our systems and until we have the will to create healthy family systems, our politics will only protect those with the most influence - and that’s never kids.

There are many theories of why and how people change. Like the system change theories, some are evidence based and those all share some principles. People need resources, connection (relationships), awareness, and practice to make behavioral changes. Anyone can change anytime and many change without professional help. But they report someone trusted or close to them talking to them as a catalyst. The notion that people need to hit a rock bottom in isolation and won't listen to anyone until then is not true.

Because I’ve spent my career and my adult personal life painfully striving for change by raising awareness - through facts and research and words -I’ve been hurt over and over. This year I’ve accepted that it’s my responsibility to stop being hurt by unrealistic expectations.

That does not mean giving up hope on people I love or the future of our country or communities, but it means basing my hope on an accurate prediction of behavior - past behavior. It is realistic and reasonable to love and trust someone who says they love you and we should expect them to care about how their behavior makes us feel. It is realistic and reasonable to expect your government to provide basic protections and rights for its citizens and a transparent rule of law. We need to expect these things. But when it’s not happening or the rhetoric is clearly not matched by changed behavior - we need to notice and accept much sooner and move on.

Industry and rich people are successful at lobbying because they are realistic about what motivates most people - money and ego. They influence decision makers by giving them money or letting them look good and successful in public without much effort. Social change, like recovery from substance use or emotional maturity gained through therapy or improved access to nutrition, offers long term benefits to individuals and our society. Most people would rather look good in the short term and buy a fancy car and feel like a success. Politicians need to look good in the short term too.

After some professional successes at pushing for change and many personal failures in trying to get loved ones to change, I have some clarity for the first time in a while.

My wish is for us all to choose clarity over short term comfort this year. I think potentially our kids’ future depends on it.

Here is what has helped me (start to) find clarity of purpose in my professional and personal life this year in case it helps someone else:

There’s lots of evidence in social science that it takes more than education and awareness raising of a problem to inspire change. This is obvious to us who regularly share heart wrenching statistics an facts about hungry or hurting people and solutions that could end these conditions and are ignored for choices that are proven not to work. In my personal life, I spent way too long thinking if I could just show someone how they were hurting themselves and us, they’d want to change.

Most people don’t want to change and while they don’t want to suffer or hurt people, they’d rather take the suffering and hurt caused by their current behavior than make the effort to change it. Accepting this is hard and pushing against it doesn’t make it easier.

Ignoring bad news or bad behavior doesn’t make crappy situations or people go away. Donald Trump and his cronies still have power whether you practice self-care by avoiding the news or not. Immersing ourselves in the badness won’t make it better either. We had plenty of evidence of what was to come this year long before it became obvious to most Americans that the Trump presidency would hurt our economy and our democracy and our most vulnerable citizens. I had plenty of evidence of what was to come in my personal life too. The longer we fail to notice and to act and instead rely on hope or words, the worse things get and the harder it is to change and to change systems. I now notice behavior sooner and need to change my own based on that evidence rather than get mired in the emotion.

The male loneliness crisis and the concepts of toxic masculinity which enrage men so much are really the notion that men didn’t have to be able to recognize their emotions to stay married and be successful in the past and now they do and don’t know how. The expectation that men can and should have healthy relationships and mature emotionally is great for all of us. The pain right now is that they don’t know how and don’t want to try and learn so they are lashing out. While men continue to ignore their feelings and not cope, I can't for my kids’ sake

In the words of Lilly Allen, “"I think that they're having a tricky time at the moment. But – that's not really my problem. Good luck to them. They can sort themselves out from now on.”

If I trusted my feelings and took responsibility for them sooner, I could have saved my kids a lot of trauma. You can’t have clarity with drug use. This should be obvious but since alcohol use is normalized as a way to avoid life and problems, it’s not.

If you also feel like something is wrong, it's probably worse than you think.

This is an old stand by for me that I’m so grateful and lucky to have always relied on to help me learn and sort my thoughts and check myself. Our country is a mess because of a comprehension crisis and now we think we can outsource writing (and thinking) to computers. We can’t outsource clarity and we can’t take short cuts.

Some new, some I’ve known forever. Listening to, working with, and getting to know men who can talk about shit without getting angry and freaking out or who compliment their wives, or who admit they need to change, or who defend women and children, or who help just because they see someone needs it has provided a lot of this for me this year. When I taught, boys were my favorite students. I hung around a lot with guys as a teenager and young adult and I’ve always worked well with men. Despite being called a man hater for years, I finally remembered that it’s not true. I hate that there’s two acceptable ways to be a man in my community and in the world in general and that we’re more accepting of men being abusive and violent than we are of men who don’t fit that masculinity mold. I hate that men won't stand up to each other when they hurt people. But that's not the same as hating men.

The men who are strong enough to look in the mirror and strong enough to want to create a safer world for their kids - in and outside their house - have helped me reframe where I give my attention and realize what’s healthy.

Listen, I’m lucky to be able to pay for help and pay for expertise, but in the past I often chosen a false economy which ended up costing more in the long run. If you’re dealing with extreme stress or a problem that you’ve never solved before, stop struggling alone. Find someone who can help you survive and learn and pay them. Same goes for parenting and your kids - what makes you think you know how to help them if you haven’t been taught yourself? All the stress and pain and hurt is for nothing, if you don’t learn something and change your behavior and that’s truly a waste. (Hint hint Democratic Party).

We have more crap then we could ever use and far too little knowledge. Pay for the knowledge and skills.

My wish for us all that we can see, notice, and accept the reality of our lives, our families, and our country and act accordingly in 2026!